We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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