im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
