Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
