A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
