I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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