i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize