One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
