my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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