His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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