I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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