You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
