ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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