you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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