Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
