Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
