finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
