i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize