its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
