once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
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