genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize