so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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