I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
