as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
