I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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