i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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