my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
