I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize