see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
