I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
