gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm always down for nudity.
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