k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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