Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
