I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
