Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Blood and glitter go together right?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
