You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
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