My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
