I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
