Already got asked if we're dating
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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