remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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