just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
