cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
