My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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