On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
