Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We need to feng shui this bitch.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
