And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
