Betty ford says i'm here all night
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
