The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
