I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
