Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Still dying that you shit outside
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
