oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
