When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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