I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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