After last night, I could never be a politician.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
