I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
