I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
