when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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