I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
