Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
