i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
