my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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