awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
