He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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