if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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