I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
