omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
