Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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