Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
