dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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