when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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