im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
