I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
