I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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