I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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